Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey, insurance companies instead of having a commercial on TV every 10 minutes can you just cover some of my medical bills?

   Some mornings it's best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.

   A 24 hour weather channel? Why? We had the same thing like that when I was growing up... it was called a window...

   I like how none of the "robbers" on that Vonage commercial are black. Way to dodge that bullet, Vonage.

   wondering if there is such a thing called the "WHINE" flu... If so I am pretty sure my kids have it

   feeling like George Washington on a $1 bill... real single.

   There are two things I do at the ATM - deposit and withdraw. I don't even check my balance, because it's on the receipt. So, for the love of God, can someone please tell me what the douche in front of me has been doing for the past 10 minutes???

   I'm an organ donor, but I'm pretty sure all they're going to use is my liver for "after" photos.

   This guy posted pics of his girl on a forum - I'm not saying she's ugly, it just looks like she dives face first into gravel for a hobby. He mentioned the camera settings were a bit off... I was thinking the best camera setting would've been "off."

   There are 70 ways to make a woman happy. 1 is shopping and then do the rest. If you know what I mean.

   finally catching up with my emails…..ballon boy?…..how crazy is that?

   If I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.

   Great....you discovered youtube. Now, can you quit flooding the newsfeed with the 200 videos you wish to share!!!

   My neighbor should get a faster Internet service. This movie is taking too long to download.

   likes poetry, chocolate cake, and poking dead things with sticks.

   Above all else. Don't forget to smile. It either warms their heart or pisses them off. You win no matter what.

   A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superficial.

   performing random acts of kindness today to totally mess with people

   Summer weather; it's not the heat, its the stupidity...

   Rule of thumb when hitting on co-workers... if you're cute, it's flirting. If you're not... it's sexual harrassment.