Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's so cool about taking a picture of a bathroom mirror?

   After spending 45 minutes eavesdropping on a crazy girl giving advice to another crazy girl, I really don't know how we're not extinct yet.

   You know what's worse than your tribal tattoo? The story about why you got it.

   I wish I had Kim Kardashian's talent of not having any talent and making money out of it.

   this isn't a bakery, I don't sugar coat anything!

   Russell Wilson became the first QB in history to throw a game-winning interception."

   You know what's cheaper than reading a book on a Kindle?......Reading a book.

   47 min: My monthly record for using my phone as a phone

   Don't get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

   It's truly astonishing that a little guy hiding in an Ecuadorean Embassy is doing a heck of a lot more for TRUTH in this Election .... Than the Entire American Press!!!

   No .... Not all Refugees are terrorist ..... However, Since the bad guys have already told us and sworn they have infiltrated the refugees .... The job is to find out which ones they are. It's Better to err on the side of Caution.

   .Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel. She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.

   Mess with me, I'll fight back. Mess with my friends, I'll hurt you. Mess with ones I love, and they'll never be able to identify you."

   Hooters girls may be hot, but subway girls are wife material. They stand behind the counter, put whatever you want on your sandwich, and then clean up the kitchen

   For Halloween I'm going as laundry, women love doing laundry.

   41 shot in NYC this past weekend, 77 in Chicago, 24 in Atlanta. But it's ok... no need for the media to report it. There were no police officers involved.

   If I slept with a prostitute, when we finished I would tell her that I am also a prostitute and we can just call it even.

   Instead of saying, "Happy Birthday!" I'm going to start saying "Happy annual celebration of your successful escape from the womb."

   Admit it, once in your life, you've tried to guess someone's password but failed.

   AT&T is buying T-Mobile for $39 billion. It was a tough call for AT&T, but then again—EVERY call is a tough call for AT&T.