Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Starting a petition for Charlie Sheen and Whitney Houston to co-host the Oscars next year. What a delicious treat that would be.

   Just a kind thought to all those born on February 29th: You've only got 1 year left to plan your birthday party :D

   Somalia Pirates are at it again...what is this the 1600's? kill those bastrads.

   Wouldn't it stink if there were thousands of other planets that had life, and we on Earth were the ONLY ones who didn't know? And we were the butt of aliens' jokes, i.e. "You're stupid as an Earthling."

   Turned my brain off for the weekend and now I can't stop coming up with ideas for Adam Sandler movies.

   Sometimes, I throw clean clothes in the hamper because I'm too lazy to fold them.

   it just me or does anybody else find it weird that the Mets took out a $40 million dollar loan from Bank of America. Considering that they play at Citi Field????

   In other news, we don't give a damn Dave!

   Ladies: Your face is not a coloring book, so please go easy on the makeup.

   If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.

   Guys: Every two weeks, tell your lady that her new hairstyle looks great!!!! You might not notice it...... but trust me, they changed it. You can thank me later.

   I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

   Crap....all this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist.

   Dear bed, I know that I left you this morning, but I love you. Take me back?

   So is it the 3rd or 4th refill of water into the nearly empty liquid soap bottle that makes you ghetto?

   You can learn a lot about a woman from the top dresser drawer beside her bed...

   That annoying moment when you're waiting for a text & you get one but it's from the wrong person.

   I couldn't believe it when my wife announced she was leaving me for being too lazy. Especially after I'd spent all morning taking the Christmas decorations down.....

   Dear guy in the mens bathroom...* man rule # 1a - if there's 5 urinals and I'm in urinal #1 , dont come parking it at urinal #2 !...your man card is suspended !

   Can't shake this headache. Perhaps the shaking isn't helping