Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My 6 year old asked me what it was like to be married so I ignored him for a week and then yelled at him for something he did when he was 3.

   "Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.

   Trigger Warning: if someone's free speech offends you, maybe the United States is not the country for you....

   I don't just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.

   You had me at tubes tied.

   There are dogs that can detect cancer, find missing people, detect bombs, etc. My dog rolls around in other animals feces.

   “In life we all have an unspeakable secret, and irreversible regret, an unreachable dream, and an unforgettable love.” 

   My phone number is 1 digit away from a local pizza place. I still take people's orders, because I hate people who can't use a phone properly.

   IF all women are crazy… Then… You might as well pick a pretty one.

   Every time I get a birthday card with money in it, I pretend not to notice the money and “read” the card.

   If you can't say anything nice, say something vague on Facebook.

   Coffee , you're on the bench ..... Beer , suit up , you`re on .........

   You can only say, “WTF?” so many times a day, until you just decide to start drinking.

   Woman's Logic: Bikini - No problem. Bra and underwear: - OMG DON'T LOOK!!!

   There's no sex like the ‘we haven't had it for awhile' kind of sex.

   PROFILE PICTURES: What people want other people to think they look like. TAGGED PICTURES: What they actually look like.

   Most females think they can change a player, but the truth is it's not the player that needs to change, its the girl, because every player is on a mission to find that one female which makes him lose his desire to play.

   When people ask me dumb questions, my doctorate degree in sarcasm requires that I give them a sarcastic answer. What! I took an oath!

   Finally, that rare and elusive Monday we like.

   Facebook going green? Because I'm seeing a lot of people reusing the quotes.