Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is. 
Trigger Warning: if someone's free speech offends you, maybe the United States is not the country for you....
Next time I see a car with like, 90 stick children on it,I am taping a condom to the window.
It’s only every seven years that you get to celebrate Taco Tuesday and Cinco De Mayo on the same day.
A coworker wouldn't stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
I don't know what everyone's complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents' basement.
What's worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
“In life we all have an unspeakable secret, and irreversible regret, an unreachable dream, and an unforgettable love.”
My phone number is 1 digit away from a local pizza place. I still take people's orders, because I hate people who can't use a phone properly.
IF all women are crazy… Then… You might as well pick a pretty one.
Every time I get a birthday card with money in it, I pretend not to notice the money and “read” the card.
If you can't say anything nice, say something vague on Facebook.
Coffee , you're on the bench ..... Beer , suit up , you`re on .........
You can only say, “WTF?” so many times a day, until you just decide to start drinking.
Woman's Logic: Bikini - No problem. Bra and underwear: - OMG DON'T LOOK!!!
There's no sex like the ‘we haven't had it for awhile' kind of sex.
PROFILE PICTURES: What people want other people to think they look like. TAGGED PICTURES: What they actually look like.
Most females think they can change a player, but the truth is it's not the player that needs to change, its the girl, because every player is on a mission to find that one female which makes him lose his desire to play.
When people ask me dumb questions, my doctorate degree in sarcasm requires that I give them a sarcastic answer. What! I took an oath!
Finally, that rare and elusive Monday we like. 