Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Seriously mad that Youtube sold out... Now I have to watch a 30 second ad about "herpies medication" before I watch a 20 second clip about "feels better without a condom"..

   You re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster

   I had to make small talk with a bum at a freeway exit ramp because I couldn't roll up my window in time to ignore him

   The Pope is resigning. He will soon be known as Ex-Benedict.

   I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I'm feeling pretty awesome!!

   Some people are meant to be loved from a safe distance.

   gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.

   If I were a rapper I'd go by the name of lay-Z. Wouldn't release a single track.

   I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I'm afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.

   Who ever said talk is cheap never got a bill from a lawyer for a 30 minute consultation.

   You young punks are sissyfied... so quick to pick up a gun and scared to take an ass whippin'

   People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn't agree.

   I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.

   My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home,, and forgetting things.

   My girlfriend calls it selective hearing. I prefer to call it drama filtering.

   If I look tired at the end of the day, it's because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.

   There comes a time when you gotta stand up and take responsibility for your actions. I like to call this, the nap time.

   I Just bought a Ken doll. I don't know what everyone's talking about, you can't read books on this thing

   I'm only good at math when I'm adding insult to injury.

   Life is short. Do as much damage as you can.