Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be Yourself, Because you never know who would love the person you hide

   Facebook needs to add a maybe button for friend requests, some people deserve to wait for a decision to be made.

   If aliens learn about us from our TV broadcasts then they'll come here expecting 90% of the population to work in hospitals or be in law enforcement.

   I wish my teachers graded my papers drunk.

   Don't get me wrong. I totally hear what you're saying...I just don't care.

   Gotta love the commercials for medications. The side effects of the meds are usually worse than the symptoms. For example, I have an itchy leg. "try dexalog: symptoms may include: hair loss, weight gain, growing an extra head, skin to disintegrate..."

   Seriously mad that Youtube sold out... Now I have to watch a 30 second ad about "herpies medication" before I watch a 20 second clip about "feels better without a condom"..

   You re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster

   I had to make small talk with a bum at a freeway exit ramp because I couldn't roll up my window in time to ignore him

   The Pope is resigning. He will soon be known as Ex-Benedict.

   I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I'm feeling pretty awesome!!

   Some people are meant to be loved from a safe distance.

   gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.

   If I were a rapper I'd go by the name of lay-Z. Wouldn't release a single track.

   I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I'm afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.

   Who ever said talk is cheap never got a bill from a lawyer for a 30 minute consultation.

   You young punks are sissyfied... so quick to pick up a gun and scared to take an ass whippin'

   People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn't agree.

   I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.

   My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home,, and forgetting things.