Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchen. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

   Before the Coronavirus I'd cough to cover a fart. Now I fart to cover a cough.

   Gee I sure hope the rioters in DC don’t do anything to the IRS building at 1111 Constitution Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20224.

   A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They're called Nuns 'n' Moses.

   I just put my phone on airplane mode and it dragged me out of my seat

   Darth Vader could fall asleep in Imperial meetings and nobody would notice.

   "Can't adult today". That's cute 22 year old. Get a mortgage, manage a 401k, have a couple kids, then get back to me about being an adult.

   Someday they will discover the center of the universe and a lot of people are going to be pissed to find out it isn't them.

   I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at

   The police want to interview me which is strange, I didn't even apply for a job there..

   How do Amish girls know if it's a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts

   New York: We just had a storm with 50 mph winds. Oklahoma: Hold my beer...

   So let me get this straight -- they left the porridge on the table and went for a walk, and the 3 bowls cooled at different rates?

   it safe to take off my eclipse glasses yet?

   I hate it when you try to stay behind someone one car-length for every 10 mph of speed like you were taught in Driver's Ed, and then some idiot pulls in front of you.

   I've had a really bad day. First, my ex-wife got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

   Yo Jussie...this $3,500 check bounced!

   Pink grapefruit extreme close-up, you’re welcome.

   hoping the death of Osama Bin Laden means I cen get on a plane without getting fondled by a TSA agent.

   I feel like celebrating by eating a good old american double cheeze burger, fries and a cold Budweiser to wash it down.