Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Level Of Maturity Changes Depending On Who I'm With

   I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.

   It's not a walk of shame if you moonwalk through it.

   People make me itch!

   Well, with no shave November, Halo 4 and Black Ops 2 this month, I'm predicting teen pregnancy will be at an all time low

   I got up this morning and decided to put on my favorite fat jeans only to realize they have become just another pair of my skinny jeans.

   Of all your flaws, the one that allows you to like me, is my favorite.

   I like the sound you make when you shut up

   I like superheroes but I'd rather hang out with the villains.

   There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let's dance.

   What’s the difference between a Pick Pocketer and a Peeping Tom…..A Pick Pocketer snatches watches

   Most women don't notice the things we do for them until we stop doing them.

   There's nothing worse than not getting the right amount of love from strangers on the internet.

   My relationship status just changed to sweatpants oreos and netflix!

   I need to see a shrink to discuss my Shamrock Shake abandonment issues...

   Went to a costume party dressed as a chicken. Ment a girl dressed as an egg. We spent the night at my place. And I found out the answer to that old question. It was the chicken.

   We celebrate the 4th of July because citizens were armed.

   There's a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.

   Most people write congrats because they don't know the spelling of congrajulashions

   Do soccer players actually pay for those hair cuts or do they just find the first drunk guy with a weed eater and insult his mother?