Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Disappointment is coming home to the smell of fresh bake cookies and finding out it's just a scented candel.

   When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse.

   The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued. Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

   I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.

   Employee: I got to have salary increase. Three other companies are after me. Boss: Really? Which are the three companies? Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

   I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.

   Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty.

   Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.

   I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

   Pro tip: Use Shazam in your Uber to blow your drivers mind with your knowledge of their obscure immigrant music.

   A 2018 Harris Poll said Taco Bell was voted the best Mexican Restaurant in the U.S. This, Folks, is why we have the Electoral College.

   Oh, the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' toes. Winter blows, Winter blows, Winter blows.

   If the fate of the world ever rests on knowing 80s music lyrics, call me.

   I must be getting old. The only haircut I need is in my nose and ears.

   If Lassie was a cat, little Timmy would've died in that well...

   Of course I'm am an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this!?

   I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

   Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

   Do they make a Gas-X for brain farts? Asking for a friend.

   Never blame someone for the road you're on.. It's your own asphalt.