Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued. Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

   I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.

   I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!

   After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it's worth.

   OK. Who decided to call it "marijuana possession" and not "joint custody"?

   "Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing...after they have exhausted all other possibilities." ~ Winston Churchill

   Employee: I got to have salary increase. Three other companies are after me. Boss: Really? Which are the three companies? Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

   Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.

   I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

   Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty.

   Pro tip: Use Shazam in your Uber to blow your drivers mind with your knowledge of their obscure immigrant music.

   A 2018 Harris Poll said Taco Bell was voted the best Mexican Restaurant in the U.S. This, Folks, is why we have the Electoral College.

   Oh, the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' toes. Winter blows, Winter blows, Winter blows.

   If the fate of the world ever rests on knowing 80s music lyrics, call me.

   I must be getting old. The only haircut I need is in my nose and ears.

   If Lassie was a cat, little Timmy would've died in that well...

   Of course I'm am an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this!?

   I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

   Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

   Me: Do you want to have the best sex of your life tonight? Her: No. Me: Then I'm your guy!