Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a man eating fries with a fork and airport security is doing nothing about it.

   Still don't understand why you can't end a company-wide email with, 'Later b*tches.'

   Maybe lions don't even like antelope meat maybe they just keep eating them because we all know how annoying vegetarians can be.

   Bond. Hydrogen Bond.

   The older I get the better I used to be.

   If She Sounds Cute On The Phone, Add 20 lbs !!!

   She wanted to be friends with benefits, but I said no because she didn't offer dental.

   You know what would make this Pina Colada better? Cancun.

   amazed about how slow old people drive.That is until they see a parking spot at the mall of course.

   has come to the conclusion that people who think they are better than anybody else have to think that way because no one else thinks they are...

   Zipper vs. Penis .... Who ya got??

   You do not need a clock to know that you overslept 3 hours for that important meeting. When you wake up, something in the air just screams "You are SO f*cked."

   My favorite tactic is reverse .ygolohcysp

   They say spiders, bears and snakes are as scared of us as we are of them. They have an advantage over people, though. They're probably pretty damned sure people aren't going to bite them.

   Alcohol induced dreams make for all sorts of entertainment.

   It's is time for a Facebook Friend Trust Test...Stand up and fall back and I will catch you. By the way, the Facebook Trust Test will be immediate be followed by the Facebook Moron Test.

   Unless life hands you water and sugar.. Your lemonade is gonna suck...

   I like to refer to celebrity relationships with huge age differences like speeding tickets, Ex: Hef is currently doing 84 in a 20

   I think I'll skip English tomorrow. There are just certain aspects of Moby I don't want to know about.

   I'm not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.