Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wikipedia: I know everything! Google: I have everything! Facebook: I know everybody Internet: Without me you are nothing Electricity: Keep talking!

   People say the hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else. Around here the hardest thing to do is replace the empty toilet paper roll and put your dishes in the dishwasher.

   Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route.

   Call me an artist, I draw attention.

   great.... Oprah is interviewing Rosie O'Donnell tonight on OWN. tune in if you ever wondered what a Double Stuffed Oreo sounds like

   Fella's: If your wife says she might be pregnant. Saying"I am pro choice" Is frowned upon......apparently!

   You ever hear or see a friend do something and think "Oh yeah, that's a Facebook status." Yeah, me too.

   I'm tall dark annd handsome...when its dark, I'm handsome...btw...I'm really not tall either

   Congressman Weiner gives new meaning to the term "Junk Mail".

   I always wonder when somebody post "gym time" on their wall and people actually like it... does this mean people know you are fat and they "like" that you're finally doing something about it?

   Have you ever done something so stupid that you blamed it on being drunk when you were totally sober just so you looked like less of a dumb ass.

   Its not called HACKED when you use a public library computer to update your Facebook and you forget to log out. Then the next person to use the computer takes the liberty to play around with your profile and wall. Its called being stupid and careless.

   Watching depression medication commercials makes me depressed. I'm just glad herpes commercials don't have the same effect.

   “Oprah's Secret” sounds like a new line of plus-sized lingerie.

   I like to spend my Monday mornings avoiding people who might ask about my weekend.

   I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages

   Rapture Prank: Put small piles of clothes around local churches the morning of 5/22 & record reactions : )

   If Facebook ever shut down, you'd see people aimlessly walking round streets, scribbling on walls, poking each other, searching for their friends, thumbs-upping and commenting at everything they see and tagging one another.

   I think you should fall in love with a terrible person and complain about it on the Internet for years.

   When are liquor stores going to get in on the Groupon game