Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd love to come to your holiday party and stare at my phone all night.

   I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.

   "Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off" ~ The last thing a lobster thinks.

   Money can't buy love, but it can buy stuff. And I love stuff.

   What do people with spinning flashing inflatable Christmas lawn ornaments think is tacky?

   Trust me... You don't want my undivided attention.

   Ice storm? Vanilla Ice predicted back in 1990 that the ice would be back. If only we had stopped, collaborated, and listened.

   Kanye West "Kim fought for her position in society".....Wait Kanye, didn't she obtain her fame because of a video, in the bent over "position?"

   The thinner the eyebrows, the crazier the girl.

   Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend’s son and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.

   Nothing turns me on more than a pic of your boobs with your wedding ring hand holding up your shirt.

   A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.

   Starting a Mexican boy band named Juan Direction.

   That is correct Monday. And the horse you rode in on...

   Relationship status: My sex toys have 2 drawers now.

   The music industry has suffered a great loss. Justin Bieber was found ALIVE in his hotel room.

   People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"

   I'm not saying she's bipolar, but it took me two hours to figure out her mood ring wasn't a strobe light.

   It's cool to put someone else's genitalia in your mouth but if I eat a dorito that I have picked up off the floor I am weird.

   My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.