Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am so lazy that I don't even run in Grand theft auto

   If you have at least 3 friends you can depend on to help you hide a body, Your enemies should be Very Worried!

   The mosquito's are requesting a human sacrifice, please send help.

   My face wakes up 3-4 hours after the rest of me.

   I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can double park anywhere.

   Day Off+ Get Nothing Done=Successful Day Off

   If EVERY radio station on Earth doesn't play R.E.M.'s "It's the end of the world as we know it(and I feel fine) at the PRECISE moment of the solstice...well then you 've really just wasted all of our time!

   How to have a successful relationship - Don't mention your EX every other minute.

   I’m saving time and money by misdiagnosing all my illnesses on the internet!

   The difference between being married and being single is when you're single you don't have to listen to anyone snore while not getting laid.

   Whatever you say, dude. Nobody googles reptile porn by mistake.

   I have 4 missed calls from my mom. A rescue team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting in my underwear on my couch eating cheetos any minute now.

   Your bedazzled iphone lets me know the music in it sucks.

   Back in my day, I had to listen to my friends complain about their problems for hours, on a phone, connected to a wall... knowing they would ignore my advice and make a bad decision no matter what the hell I said. Now I can just log off Facebook.

   I wsh mirrors, pictures, and what I think I look like would get together and agree on what I really look like!!!

   The way Police check to see if you're wearing your seat belt they should do to make sure ''Certain'' people are wearing Condoms!!!

   I quit believing in reincarnation several lives ago.

   World population:7,018,521,683....just incase some1 starts feeling too important

   Katy Perry rebounding from Russell Brand with John Mayer is like washing your mouth out with cat p!ss.

   If you want to make people angry, lie to them. If you want to make them absolutely livid, tell em the truth!!!!!!!