Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I surprised my wife with a new bag and belt for her birthday! The Hoover sure works great now.

   Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

   I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card. Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

   It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

   Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better. Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

   I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

   Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

   Some recipes are like science fiction. I read to the end and think "Well, that's not going to happen."

   The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements, which included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later?

   Thankful saturday: The saturday after Thanksgiving when all your relatives have finally gone back home.

   Some people like set an example. I prefer to be a warning.

   I think for Christmas Mark Zuckerberg should share some of his wealth with us all we helped him make, or at least give us fonts.

   For Sale.. 2019 gym membership Willing to trade for a case of beer and a large pizza...msg me for details...

   My kids are growing up and I guess that means I'm getting older...that's not what saddens me...what saddens me is that the kids no longer eat for free when we go out anymore.

   When I was a kid we used to keep our Facebook accounts secure with a lock and key we used to call a diary.

   If you're just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, "Is this really all there is to life?" and the answer is no! There's also back pain

   Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but legend has it that she's still telling me about herself....

   Doctor's orders say at least 30 crunches a day....That's an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot.

   If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds...how did cockroaches get their name?

   When you look at Twitter's trending topics, it's a lot easier to understand why they have to write "Do Not Eat" on silica gel packets.