Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shout out to all my homebodies.

   Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

   I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger

   Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

   A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

   The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the sh*t is placed.

   Some recipes are like science fiction. I read to the end and think "Well, that's not going to happen."

   The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements, which included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later?

   Thankful saturday: The saturday after Thanksgiving when all your relatives have finally gone back home.

   Some people like set an example. I prefer to be a warning.

   I think for Christmas Mark Zuckerberg should share some of his wealth with us all we helped him make, or at least give us fonts.

   For Sale.. 2019 gym membership Willing to trade for a case of beer and a large pizza...msg me for details...

   My kids are growing up and I guess that means I'm getting older...that's not what saddens me...what saddens me is that the kids no longer eat for free when we go out anymore.

   When I was a kid we used to keep our Facebook accounts secure with a lock and key we used to call a diary.

   If you're just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, "Is this really all there is to life?" and the answer is no! There's also back pain

   Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but legend has it that she's still telling me about herself....

   Doctor's orders say at least 30 crunches a day....That's an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot.

   If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds...how did cockroaches get their name?

   When you look at Twitter's trending topics, it's a lot easier to understand why they have to write "Do Not Eat" on silica gel packets.

   people who work at Amazon fulfillment centers should put their job status as "professional boxer"