Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   girlfriends always want to have long talks. I say fine, lets talk.."I hate your friends, you're always hurt, and I'm always tired of paying for meals you only eat a third of...we done?"

   you've just received an Amish Virus. Since we don't have electricity or computers, you're on the honor system. Please delete your files. Thank thee

   I would like to wish all the moms out there a Happy Labor Day Weekend!!! What?... That's not what that means?

   I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help. .... So I hired a hitman

   One reason I hate politics is because of all the junk mail you get these days about one worthless candidate bashing the next about what a terrible job they are/would be doing. Personally I think they all suck. My name is John and I approve this message.

   Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

   The bank called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. I couldn't believe I bought a gym membership either

   have you heard of the new paint called "blonde"? its not very bright but it spreads easy

   I hate people who keep saying LMS on FaceBook. LMS if you agree.

   lol @ "If he pauses his game to text you back, marry him".. We never pause it, we're just waiting to respawn.

   DEAR SIDEWALK, Please get wider... SINCERELY, 3rd FRIEND WALKING BEHIND FEELING EXCLUDED.

   Wives are funny creatures. They won't have sex with their husbands for weeks but then they want to kill the first woman who does.

   1 sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. This means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587GB in 3 seconds... And you thought 4G was fast!

   It's scary to think nothing can kill that 0.01% germ.

   Rihanna and Chris Brown recorded a duet together......i think its a cover of Britney's, "Hit me baby one more time"

   If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.

   I'm gonna stand outside a strangers house tonight with a lit candle & tell them it's in remembrance of all the people I killed there.

   I would describe my look today as "Open Casket"

   Relationship Status: I ate 7 bananas trying to get the new guy at work to notice me.

   Geesh calm down everbody... Maybe Rachel Dozel just considers herself a "incog-negro"