Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Purell is the most expensive bottle of alcohol in the country.

   Now would be a good time for Walmart to do an alignment on all those crooked shopping cart wheels

   Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

   When this COVID-19 thing is over, I don't want to see you post any memes saying you could live in a cabin without TV, Internet or your phone for a year for a $1,000,000. You couldn't stay in your own house for 5 days even to save your grandmother.

   Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

   Instead of Build Back Better, how about you just Put it Back the Way You Found it.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.

   Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.

   No one has more to say than the woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide.

   Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.

   Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.

   A recent study found that the possibly of work place violence increases significantly when someone puts Christmas music on the office radio in mid-November.

   May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!

   I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.

   The current generation should be called mushrooms because they've been fed crap and kept in the dark

   You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."

   Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.

   a married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy