Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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The killer of the Pennsylvania Trooper was handcuffed and transported to jail with the dead Trooper's handcuffs and police car, maybe they can shoot him with the Trooper's GUN ! 
Male camel toe? Dude that's just nuts.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
Just heard someone on the porch, hopefully this is just a home invasion and not some unexpected company
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
anyone here with one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have
I am not a comedian but the joke below sucks big time.
If Ann Coulter married Madonna, who would be the butch one?
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.
Whew! Twelve miles on the treadmill today! And by "treadmill" I mean "bar stool" and by "miles" I mean "beers."
How many times does one need to watch BET before their credit score is affected?
Don't you just hate it when you finally get the courage to confess your love to someone and they just stare at you, meow and walk away.
Missed the winning lottery number only by 6 numbers.
It's not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn't figure out how to get the cork back in it.
Once upon a midday dreary, While I plotted my next mealy, Came an empty rap-rap-rapping at my cupboard door. Quoth the Ramen, “Ever poor.”
Bless you P ornhub for your categories. Some days I'm feeling the MILF's, somedays the gang b ang. It's like the Baskin Robbins of por n.
The self checkout lane was probably invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Tomato basil soup is just a fancy way to make people drink pizza sauce.
A girl just asked me "When a guy says GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, what's a good comeback?" I told her, "COMEBACK with a damn sandwich."
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself. 