Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson hasn't released a movie in three weeks. I hope he's okay.

   Thinking of making a horror movie titled Front Facing Camera

   When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.

   You knew it was coming: Marvel has fallen to the Woke Mob, introduces trans superheroes.

   I do not like your mental haze. I do not like your leftist ways. I do not like your son on blow. I do not like you Sleepy Joe.

   I say we legalize all drugs at the Olympics. Let's see how fast these MF's can run!

   Television is the monster in your home, and it’s called a program for a reason. It has been designed to psychologically change the ways that you view reality.

   Some people won’t admit their faults. I would, if I had any.

   "Elon Musk" sounds like a new fragrance from Pierre Cardin.

   If lost in the woods, build a shelter. The tax man will be there shortly.

   There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.

   What makes Elon guard his Musk? Courage

   Welcome to McBrandon’s…. Would you like some lies with that?

   When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

   It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

   People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.

   If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

   Building a treehouse is the biggest insult to a tree. "I killed your friend. Here, hold him."

   Now all of a sudden having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, a gallon of bleach and plastic sheeting in the trunk of my car is okay.