Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got pulled over again. The cop said "I'm going to need to see your license and registration." I said "You guys seriously need to get a grip. One day you take my license and the next day you ask to see it."

   If you are paying $3.00 for Smart Water, it isn't working.

   Just discovered that spilling hot coffee in your lap wakes you up faster then drinking it.

   I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people's mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

   I like to reassure my wife that even though I don't have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I'm a really loud screamer.

   Merry Christmas everyone and Happy Birthday Jesus without a Facebook reminder.

   On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.

   Can you imagine how sexy I'd be if I ate right and took care of my body... I'm not going to, but can you imagine”

   I refer to avocados a "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   It's getting that Time Of Year where I start Liking All Of My Friends Posts who have a POOL

   I can't wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.

   Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?

   Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him!

   Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

   I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

   Excited to be able to bet on the NFL again. I got money on the coronavirus shutting down the league in week3.

   Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

   Every website for a restaurant should go straight to the menu.

   Me: "Hey Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?" Her: "My name is ALEXA..."

   To all 6 of you who like the jokes I post, I do it all for you!