Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’ve got bitemarks all over my tongue from all the things that I didn’t say.

   When you find out she’s a little crazy, but now you like her even more.

   Welcome to Disney, where dreams we approve of come true.

   I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...

   That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.

   Blackened Chicken Recipe: 1. Clean chicken 2. Place chicken in oven 3. Go check social media

   What you just said, is one of the most idiotic things I have ever heard. Everyone is now dumber for having listened to it. May God have mercy on your soul.

   The secret to looking younger is telling people that you are older

   Going outside to vacuum the driveway. I do this every so often... just to ensure the neighbors never talk to me...

   If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.

   Her: So, are you seeing anyone? Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

   I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

   Facebook just suggested I poke my wife.....yeah good one Facebook.....been trying for weeks!

   I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.

   Have you ever been too nice and ended up in a situation that you could have avoided by just being an a$$h*le?

   Have you ever smelled moth balls? How did you get their little legs apart?

   The most blatant way to flaunt wealth, is to shoot a box of ammo at a plywood target.

   A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.

   The biggest mistake you make with us truth-seekers, is you think we want to be right. Trust me, we wish we were wrong.

   The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.