Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think my Neighbor's wife watches porn, I have been cleaning her pool for 3 hours now and she still hasn't invited me inside :/

   Well since the government is shutdown that means he shouldn't be taking any taxes out of my next paycheck.

   I only have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"

   I've yet to check the status of my Lotto ticket. My biggest fear is that for last five hours here at work, I've put up with unnecessary bull****

   - Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot.

   I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn't shop.

   I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

   Had a cold this morning so I took an Aleve-D and washed it down with an AMP energy drink. Judging by the way I feel, I am fairly certain my body converted to two into meth!

   will not discriminate against the following: race, religion, sex, or creed. However UGLY... I have to draw the line somewhere!

   Things in my life are finally starting to click...... Like my elbows, my knees, my feet,etc;

   Putting kids to bed is a little like playing WHACK-A-MOLE.

   I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.

   Keep smiling. But not to the point where people begin to think you're mentally unbalanced.

   Anyone who says onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never been hit in the face with a pumpkin.

   Unicorns are real, They are just fat and gray and we call them Rinos

   These food stamps taste terrible...

   To those who do not believe that war is the answer... Please enjoy your "Independence Day". Heck enjoy the whole weekend.

   Did you put the "Baby on Board" sign on your minivan to let me know you have precious cargo OR to warn me that your going to drive like an a$$hole and pay attention to everything but the road? just curious....

   The only thing worse than awkward silence, is when that silence is broken by an awkward "Soooo anyways."

   I have no sense of proportion. Which causes me big problems. Or small ones. I'm not sure