Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thinks you should donate your opinions to goodwill. They are used to selling crap there anyways.

   If there weren't geeks in this world, then there'd be no cool people. I'd like to thank all the geeks.

   These internet scams must make it difficult for legitimate Nigerian officials to share huge sums of money with strangers

   reading this sign outside my office: "In case of fire, don't use elevators." Duh! Water works a lot better!

   If you cant dazzle them with your brillance, baffle them with your bull sh!t

   Happy Singles Discrimination Day!

   Everyone has a freak flag, some just fly their's more than others....im jus sayin....

   what is this world coming to? screw Hannah Montana and Jonas... bring back tom and Jerry, scooby doo, and mickey mouse!

   I believe my entire life is one complicated drinking game...

   I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.....

   The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

   When you're driving illegally, suddenly every car is an undercover cop.

   so far I've handed out 23 caramel covered onions on a stick to trick or treaters... life is fun

   You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.

   Selecting a menu item at a Mexican restaurant is easy once you decide how many times you want your food folded.

   Occasionally I look up from my iPhone and have no idea where I'm at.

   The girl I'm dating has a kid who just started high school. She wanted ME of all people to have a talk with him about "the birds and the bees" We talked for about 4 hours, and I gotta tell ya, I learned A LOT.

   Ladies, if a man doesn't answer your "What are you doing tonight?" text till it's already night time, you're Plan B.

   This morning when I awoke I rolled over, smiled at the beauty that was there beside me , gazed into those beautiful brown eyes and said, "Good Morning Sexy." I knew it was a good idea to install that mirror by the bed.

   I have reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I will not be able to afford it.