Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A

   I will never be led to believe there is someone who won't betray you under any circumstance. Learning otherwise is a lesson learned with great pains.

   If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

   It's so adorable when my Mom calls and asks me for my "email number."

   Anyone with a pool want to be my new best friend?

   likes how YouTube has gone from a video watching site to a music listing site.

   the condoms I use are so sensitive, they stick around to talk to the chick for an hour after I leave."

   If you are brave to say "good bye", life will reward you with a new "hello"

   If I had a nickel for every time I ignored your petville request, I could buy the L.A. Zoo..

   I have never understood why advertisers feel the need to show you extreme close-up shots in dog and cat food commercials. Its not like we are the ones eating it?!?!

   More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

   Nothing brings two people together like the mutual hatred of another person.

   I need a redbull & a nap..

   watchin' the Fall leaves dance in the wind..... Hopefully, their Waltz will end up in the neighbor's yard! : )~

   I can't believe Google is c0cky enough to start guessing after one letter.

   I'm no longer addicted to carving jack-o-lanterns. All thanks to the pumpkin patch.

   Whenever you're talking to someone who is really attractive, the odds of you doing something stupid are multiplied by 100

   The devil and I go way back. It all started that day we were playing with matches!

   I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking then you, and standing next to her you look ugly.

   I'm tired of the Police ruining my fun, they said it's "Illegal" to take up an entire aisle in toy section at Walmart by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.