Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've adopted a highway. Well, technically, I just drive like I own it.

   Do all your FACEBBOOK "friends" want to be your friend or just want to be snooping in your business??? Just sayin....

   believes dinosaurs were made up by the CIA to discourage time travel.

   The movie "The Social Network" about facebook earned 9 million dollars in sales Friday night to top all movies. Imagine what they could have done if those veiwers had dates!

   Just entered hour nine of an overly-dramatic sigh.

   Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A

   I will never be led to believe there is someone who won't betray you under any circumstance. Learning otherwise is a lesson learned with great pains.

   Cops never say "Thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed." It's just plain selfish!

   sometimes I think something and I'm like, "that would be a good Facebook Status update." This is not one of those.

   My doctor asked me if I drank to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.

   hippies want to save the trees, but they love to read books

   thinks sleep is for people without Internet access.

   If he were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave.

   wishes his sandwich would look like the damn picture for once.

   sorry I ignored your text yesterday, but did you really want me to reply to it with "I don't feel like texting you right now" anyway?

   If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

   It's so adorable when my Mom calls and asks me for my "email number."

   Anyone with a pool want to be my new best friend?

   likes how YouTube has gone from a video watching site to a music listing site.

   the condoms I use are so sensitive, they stick around to talk to the chick for an hour after I leave."