Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever determined that a 1 inch size candy bar should be called "fun sized" need to reevaluate their entertainment expectations

   Pay no attention to anything I say when I'm drunk..or sober..or any other time.

   It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries.

   If anxiety was good for weight loss, I'd be back to my birth weight.

   Newt Gingrich is calling for a new House Committee on Un-American Activities. I thought that was just called Congress.

   French toast is just toast that's surrendered.

   Being clean and sober means i've showered and am heading to the liquor store.

   My phone has better health insurance than I do.

   Pixar announces, 'Finding Nemo 3, The Search of Future Revenue.'

   Should you tell your neighbor that leaving their six porch lights on all day makes their Prius rather redundant?

   Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?

   Trump or Hillary? Top socket or bottom socket?

   Fun Fact: Ryan Lochte originally took up swimming because his pants were always on fire.

   Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?.. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?

   The winds of change can blow me.

   If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave..

   I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.

   The bright side of a zombie apocalypse is you no longer have to keep up with the Kardashians.

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron !

   Every time the doorbell rings my dog will go and sit in a corner........ He' a boxer.