Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll act my age when I'm 69.

   If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.

   I'm coming out of the closet. Not that! I mean her husband finally left for work.

   RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.

   The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.

   My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

   if 10% is good enough for God is should definitely be good enough for the IRS!

   If girlfriend has no texts in their phone history, you are totally being cheated on.

   My level of maturity changes depending on who I'm hanging out with.

   if a guys internet history is cleared, please dont shake his hands...

   I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn't home when you called."

   A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. A stupid person makes it.

   My uncle came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.

   People who say "No, and here's why..." need to realize that we stopped listening after the "no" part.

   A successful relationship is one in which one person shuts up when the other is right.

   Just got "The Look" from my dog. You know, the "What the hell you doing??? I drink out of there" look...

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   Okay future girlfriend, you can stop playing hide and seek now.

   I wish this conversation had GPS because you lost me about 20 words ago.

   Gonna hit the showers. You can do whatever you want with that information.