Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.

   One of the worst jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in an action movie..

   Know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating? After 20 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".

   Guess I better get some sleep. I have to get up in 10 minutes.

   I don't always drive the speed limit. But when I do, there's drugs in my car.

   I invented four new karate moves while trying to get an automatic paper towel dispenser to work

   Don't worry; it's only kinky the first time.

   Since Wikipedia is in blackout today, in protest of online anti-piracy laws, can anyone tell me where the G-Spot is?

   It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it....That's Hollywood

   The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.

   Yesterday my wife caught me checking out our hot new neighbor and all she had to say to me was, “It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home".

   I'm so terrible at Chess. The only way I'll ever get to say "Checkmate" is if I eat at a restaurant in Australia.

   "Have fun" is just a nicer phrase for "have a horrible time without me."

   There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

   Facebook's timeline is my favorite way to watch girls from high school get fat.

   Graduation speech: I would like to thank Wikipedia, and copy/paste. - I'm out bitc$es

   When I say "It's a long story," it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.

   You know as soon as my ''Swear Jar'' gets full, I'm going to use the money to get a Fking Puppy!!!

   It may appear like I'm doing nothing, but i'm actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!

   Oh I'm sorry, I forgot I only exist when you need something!