Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Weekend plans: Driving around downtown throwing Big Macs at girls with a thigh gap...... *bonus points for getting it into the thigh gap.

   Hillary wears them long pant suits because she dosent have the typical "Camel Toe". She has what some people call "Moose Foot"

   Updated Nursery Rhyme: Mary had a Chevy truck, it was so very slow, and everywhere that Mary went, her truck would need a tow.

   Hillary isn't the first woman to say I'm deplorable, and probably won't be the last

   What's the appropriate snack for watching the series finale of America? Heck, it did have a good 240 year run.

   Why did my wife cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three hours ago.

   Just tried to kill a roach with Axe Body Spray, now it's name is Brett and he won't shut up about crossfit.

   Madonna's actual offer, since her affair with A-Rod, is "Free Herpes to everyone who votes for Hillary!"

   The clinton emails can't be that bad....Aaaaand they're trafficking children.

   All this spending on Black Friday! Y'all better pay that electric bill first, or next Friday will be Black Friday too

   When life hands you high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, ascorbic acid, maltodextrin, sodium acid pyrophosphate, magnesium oxide, calcium fumarate, yellow 5, tocopherol, and less than 3% natural flavours.........make lemonade.

   Why does this day just keep repeating itself?

   Shout out to all the hotel maids working today...... They're the real heroes!

   I was just kicked out of a restaurant because of my pants. Wasn't wearing any.

   Who ever stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy.

   You never hear anyone singing, wishing they can all be Alabama girls.

   Hello, Acme? I'd like to order a rocket and a pair of roller skates. Oh yeah, and a sign that says "Yikes." ...No, I haven't caught him yet.

   True love means never having to pick just one hole.

   It doesn't make it right, but there isn't a politician alive that hasn't lied or cheated to get elected.

   Bob Seger is a much improved chess player. He's been workin' on his knight moves.