Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I don't feel good." -James Brown's last words

   One man's trash is another man's profile picture.

   A guy just busted down my door and claimed to be a Bounty Hunter. I said, "You won't take me alive!" He looked at me as if I had two heads, then stole my paper towels.

   OKAY honey don't freak out someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.

   The sign said "Buy One, Get One Free!" but I only needed one. So I took just the free one. My hearing is next week.

   I was dragged outta the Chinese All you Can Eat Buffet today because I refused to leave....

   I tried to Bring Sexy Back but they said "Sorry. No refunds."

   You'd think by the amount of people claiming to have native blood that we native men would have a better reputation as lovers

   Finally, OJ can go after Nicole's murderer.

   forget senior discounts..Oj can get free stuff just buy saying something like "I'd kill to have some coffee right now"

   No need to drive me crazy, I can walk from here.

   Someone asked for a donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave them a glass of water.

   I'm not worried about the hurricane. Trump will stop it.

   I wonder how many more times I can eat cake before the world ends.

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea. They’re not the best meds in the world, but they’re right up there.

   This world is seriously messed up. Tom Petty died while Justin Bieber is still alive and well.

   Don’t be shy, even cats lick each other.

   If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.

   Popeyes favorite tool never rusted because he kept sticking it in Olive Oil.

   Ah, my youth: We sang praises to our processed meat products. Bologna had a first name. We all wished to be wieners. It was a gentler age.