Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time my wife and I have sex, I put a dollar in a envelope. With the money I save up, I use to buy her anniversay gift. This year she getting a Mar's bar.

   I can drive a woman wild with my tongue! I say..‘Have you put weight on?’

   I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend's keys and phones while they're at the beach?

   It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

   You are going to die, there’s no question about it. The question is, are you going to live. Because, half of the people in this world are not living.

   [50 YEARS FROM NOW] Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

   imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

   I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700's because guys kept checking their treasure maps.

   Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

   No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

   Blowing on the vodka in my coffee cup to convince the rest of the Zoom meeting it's coffee...

   Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns. I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?” Now, I’m blocked.

   Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

   i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

   I made a belt out of herbs; what a waist of thyme.

   Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

   My favorite part of Forrest Gump is when a guy with an IQ of 75 gets accepted to the University of Alabama.

   Looking on the bright side of being in quarantine… Now all those stolen office supplies just look like good planning.

   Overture, turn the lights! This is it. The night of nights. No more rehearsing and nursing a part. We know every part by heart! Overture, turn the lights! This is it. We'll hit the heights! And oh, what heights we'll hit! On with the show, this is it!

   I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.