Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   made entirely of flaws but stitched together with good intentions.

   more confused than a chameleon in a box of Smarties.

   January: that special time of the year when a children's Xmas toys & his parents are BOTH broke.

   I'll show you my status if you show me yours

   Sometimes, I wish emails from my family had an *unsubscribe* button at the bottom.

   ever notice how anything seems possible when you don't know what you're talking about

   Just finished the KFC double Down .... Whoever made this had to be STONED because no one sober could come up with something SO GOOD !!!

   Two guys walk into a bar. I was one of them. I don't remember anything else..

   Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)

   Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

   loves when he adds a friend and that friend NEVER posts a message to me or anything....why did you even add me ya stoop

   I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

   My friend pointed out the other day, that the book/film "New Moon" is bassically just one girls choice between Beastiality, or Necrophilia... hope that gives you ladies out there a little perspective on "romance."

   if the broom fits...RIDE IT!

   Been on hold so long I forgot who I called. Got a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.

   Claustrophobia-The fear of Santa Claus

   Mark Zuckerberg, let me get this straight... you went out of your way to fix Facebook, when there wasn't a problem, and didn't put a dislike button... why? You made all those changes... wouldn't hurt to make one more... right?

   Really needs to stop making friends with random people at 7-11 while intoxicated

   The guy next to me just ordered a shot of Jacks Daniels and a chaser of Italian dressing. I can't decide if he's crazy or a genius.

   Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'