Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that..

   I didn't mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone.

   If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan

   Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside, but it won't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup...

   Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast? Applicant: I'll get you an answer in about a week. Manager: Brilliant! You're hired.

   Gorilla Glue works best if you want your fingers stuck to whatever’s broken but you don’t actually want to fix it.

   Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

   Before Facebook I had to disappoint people in person

   Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from "Stranger Things" now.

   Cool Fact:Fred Flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

   Supermoon was OK... But according to Rotten Tomatoes, still way better than Supermoon v Batmoon.

   What if Ghosts try to kill you only because they want you as a friend? You ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

   I'll be home for Christmas.....and in therapy by New Years.

   Things Irish people simply won't do on St. Patrick's Day: 1) Drink green beer. 2) Twerk with leprechauns. 3) Spend $40 on dollar store stuff.

   If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.

   I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

   Damn, I wish I had a structured settlement so I could get cash now!

   If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.

   Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson are going to merge and become one company. Their new name will be "Titty Titty Bang Bang."

   if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock thats humerus no, I’m not sorry