Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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One of the worst jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in a James Bond movie. 
Don't forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
How do you milk sheep?
Bring out a new iPhone and charge a grand for it.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
Truth is truth even if nobody believes it. Lies are still lies even if everybody believes it.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I'm camping, I won't be covered.
Cashier: do you want cash back? Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's ring of fire, I walk the line. Let's not forget his christmas album
How can the guy below refer to anyone's dumbness when he spells quarantine like that? You can't make this stuff up, folks.
whoa they've gone way too far when they disarm Elmer Fudd
CHILD-"hey grandpa, when did you know grandma was the one?"....GRANDPA- "when her sister dumped me!"
I think my neighbors just cut down all their trees, just so they could get a better glimpse of me spying on them.
Today is Memorial Day, not Veterans Day, that's in November. It's okay to thank a Veteran but today is to honor those that gave the ultimate sacrifice.
Cop: Turn around
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round.
Cop: Turn around!
Me: Every..
*gets tased*
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
The reporter on CNN said that at the end of the day, the thing that will keep you safe is common sense. Some of you are in serious trouble.
Silver Lining: A 350 credit score prevents Identity theft! just saying
It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.
A Facebook stranger doesn’t like my opinion. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time. 😂
The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid because no one would be able to find it.
Was having an argument with my wife. Just as I was about to win the argument, my alarm clock went off. 