Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: "So he was medium build, grey hair, grey eyes, grey tie, a grey suit and grey shoes?" DOG: "Correct"

   I have nothing in common with people who have "left over" pain killers

   Do not accept a Friend Request from Lizzie Borden. You will get hacked.

   My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80's far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.

   Not to brag but you’ll never have to tell me to slow down.

   My Girlfriend says our sex-life is so bad because I get so easily distracted? Ah well!..back to it I suppose!

   When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don't deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you've done.

   I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

   "The New York marathon was found to be a more efficient way to get around the city."

   I think I turned back my clock way too much I just saw a guy with a mullet at Starbucks.

   Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

   I've just bought the personalized number plate baa baa. For my black jeep.

   Wait till they realize that Frosty has no pants and smokes a pipe in front of children.

   Bad part about being a bomb disposal technician..... It takes me 6 hours to open my Christmas presents.

   Ask a meteorologist who will win the Superbowl......then go with the other team ;-)

   It's so cold Richard Simmons started wearing pants

   A fun thing to do is to call someone & say "HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE"

   I only buy extra virgin olive oil...Because I don't know where those other oils have been.

   Remember friends, You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of "bag of ice" to your July4th cookout.

   *spills one drop of maple syrup (entire house is sticky for the next decade)