Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the fate of the world ever rests on knowing 80s music lyrics, call me.

   I must be getting old. The only haircut I need is in my nose and ears.

   If Lassie was a cat, little Timmy would've died in that well...

   Of course I'm am an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this!?

   I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

   Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.

   In my defense, my wife's text asking me to "drop a load in the washing machine" was confusing.

   Finally found my wife's G spot....... Her sister had it all along.

   Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.

   Will Starbucks become a homeless shelter with their new store policy?

   Me: I hate seeing you like this. Coworker: Like how? Me: In person

   I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.

   Teach your children and you won't have to raise your grandchildren.

   With the ban on straws what's left to grasp?

   Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

   Me: Do you want to have the best sex of your life tonight? Her: No. Me: Then I'm your guy!

   It isn't a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.

   Babies are participation trophies for men.

   If you think your job is pointless there's a guy in Germany installing Turn Signals on BMWs.

   I'm afraid I will get called as a witness at the impeachment hearings....I don't know anything, either.