Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

   We all just need someone who will tie us to the bedpost and tell us everything is going to be alright.

   Nothing good ever starts with ‘Got a minute?’.

   Dating in your 20s: I love you so much. Let's get married! 30s: We get along pretty well. We should live together? 40s: I guess you can stay the night but don't touch my damn stuff.

   A massage is just professional petting for humans.

   Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?

   All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.

   If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

   Me: I think I'm having a heart attack. Her: Give me your phone code so I can call 911. Me: Never mind, I'm feeling better...

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers have a Fold cycle? It's 2018 for chrissake!

   *Sign outside a brothel that read "It's a business doing pleasure with you."

   Alexa, play back the last 45 minutes of this argument so we can prove who said what.

   Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?

   The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production

   My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

   [Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I surprised my wife with a new bag and belt for her birthday! The Hoover sure works great now.

   Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

   I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card. Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

   It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.