Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've reached the age where I appreciate a nice handrail.

   The older you get the happier you are for minor things. I just wanted to brag that I typed "license" on my first try and didn't get tagged by spell check.

   What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron woman? One's a super hero and the other is a simple command.

   Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

   'We've all bet on a fart and lost' is the best example of the Human condition I ever heard

   To whomever hacked my phone and saw the naked pictures of me... Sorry, but That's what you get.

   If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely.

   She has a body like baywatch but a face like crime watch.

   Help control the pet population, eat at a Chinese restaurant this weekend.

   okes about dyslexia are as easy as A, C, B.

   One of my daughter's just asked, "What runs in our family?" The only thing I could think of was "mental illness".

   Got a call from a Telemarketer, he said he couldn't understand me. I TOLD HIM PRESS 1 FOR ENGLISH AND HUNG UP

   Word of the Day: Philantropath (noun). A psychopath masquerading as a philanthropist. (See: Bill Gates).

   Did anyone ever consider Maybe the Day doesn't like being Seized ?

   Marriage tip: When your wife says you're only coming in to get one thing, always grab a cart, because she's lying. Follow me for more marriage advice.

   I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.

   Do you think that Chinese tourists that come here are disappointed when they buy a souvenier and then see where it was made?

   It's wash day, and we're bringing the Maytag.

   Marriage tip: If your wife comes home in a bad mood and starts an argument for no reason like she does from time to time, just use this simple phrase: "My mom was right about you". This usually does the trick and stops the argument.

   The thing with older women is you never know whether you're in the vag or a wrinkle.