Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only difference between brown nosing and butt kissing is depth perception.

   Remember me in your Prayers like you do in your Gossips.

   The sequel to the book Fear willbe TEARS he's still president.

   I already have a "fear" book...my old yearbook

   Online dating: Wasting your time since 1995.

   My wife used to be a size eight. Now she's a figure 8.

   57 years old and I'm still not coordinated enough to pass gass with a full bladder

   What the “booming economy” means to me: higher prices for food, healthcare & gas. Anyone else feeling it?

   When a client's (djt) lawyer, lawyer needs a lawyer. You know their guilty.

   "How to tweet while on the seat" by guess who.

   I bought the book, Fear by Bob Woodward, what a fantastic read.

   I'm busier than a cucumber in a woman's prison!

   Thank you for all your kind messages on my birthday.....and thank you Facebook for reminding them.

   A guy at Target wearing a Dallas Cowboys hat and a MAGA t-shirt was buying a 65 inch TV so I said “Man, you’re really gonna be able to see the players kneeling on that thing.”

   new band idea: nippleback

   I burped & now I'm hungry. Along the same lines, I wonder if a big fart right now would make me horny.

   When I was younger I used to sneak out Of my home to go to parties, now I sneak away from parties to go home.

   Since 1/20/17 I feel like I'm in the 1988 movie "The Live" and I'm one of the few people with a pair of the sunglasses.

   Ask-hole: Someone who constantly asks for advice then does the opposite of what you told them.

   Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?…me neither…