Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're relationship is in trouble when you realize you care more about your dog than your significant other.

   Halloween isn't the only day people have trouble desiding what to be.

   Kids, here's how to get double candy on Halloween. Put on your costume. Then cover it with a sheet. Go to door the first time as ghost. Take sheet off go back again with other costume. Bam double candy. Happy Halloween.

   People are so quick to think you smoke when they see a lighter in your room. Did you stop to think for a second that maybe, just maybe I use it to heat up heroin in my teaspoon Abigail?

   Sometimes I turn to Vodka Sometimes I turn to God either way I'm guided by spirit

   I'm still trying to find where that gold is at in these "the golden years"

   Girls love surprises until they get a finger in da butt...

   I love Halloween. You get free candy without having to get into anyone's van.

   Halloween is like any other day. People pretending to be someone their not.

   Show up JUST ONCE at the office wearing a grey jumpsuit and a hockey mask and they ask you to NEVER COME BACK!!!

   I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

   I cut my finger today while changing the spark plugs and oil filter in my car. I guess it is possible to get blood out of a tuneup.

   Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

   To 16:58 commet, you're right. Teacher: "How much is a gram?" Tyronne: "It denpends on what you want."

   I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen" So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a pug. That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   Baking bread basically involves creating a rich and warm environment for a species to thrive and then initiating a mass extinction event.

   I'm very happy that I'm not a vegan, that would have been a big miss steak

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend's keys and phones while they're at the beach?