Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

   If one person is tailgating you, they are the problem. If everyone is tailgating you, you are the problem.

   Well, well, well… if it isn’t all my “we’ll deal with it in January” chickens come home to roost.

   Hate it when artists get on Twitter to tell us that we’re singing the lyrics wrong. If 80 thousand of us are saying the same thing, maybe YOU’RE wrong.

   Just bought a tv stand and now I’m being targeted with tv stand ads. I only need one tv stand, I’m not a tv stand hoarder.

   I’m putting a snowblower in the back of my truck and drive south until someone says, “what the heck is that?” And that, is where I’ll live.

   Putting groceries in the freezer is like Tetris, taking them out is like Jenga.

   The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.

   Anyone: “You’re so interesting to talk to! Our personalities fit so well together!” Me: Thanks, I made this one especially for you.

   I don’t usually think about what I say before I say it. I prefer to think about it after I’ve said it, late at night, for the rest of my life.

   Swine Flu is back? Just when you think something is gone forever it comes back and makes people sick.. Just like Branden

   My only real accomplishment in life is knowing all the words to "Gilligan's Island" (beginning and end)

   If the government would charge a 3% stupidity tax on themselves alone, they could beat inflation tomorrow

   I just yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it back to me"

   My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just took it.

   John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.

   The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

   How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

   synchronized noseblowing

   At what age should you put the tonsils back in