Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever wonder if you ordered something online, forget what you ordered and get mad because it still hasn't came yet?

   An elephant to a naked man 'how do you breath through that thing'

   I'm having trouble sleeping. I guess i'd better get up from under my desk and get some work done.

   hates allergy season!!! currently OD'ing on Allegra

   Does anybody else feel the intense awkwardness when a woman doesn't choose the iron in a game of Monopoly?

   Two mancode violations to report this week: caught a guy reading his horoscope out loud to his friends, and caught wind at work that one of my friends rode on the back of another guy's motorcycle. Flagrant.

   a doctor goes into work one day and asks his secretaryif it was wrong to have sex with his patients. runs him out of office and screams "OF COURSE UR A VET!!!

   says the difference between ORAL SEX & ANAL SEX,,,,,,,,,,, ,, is ORAL SEX will make your day but ANAL SEX will make your hole weak.......

   wants to be one of those people who, when he reaches the end of his life, gets their head cryogenically frozen, wakes up in a new, strong, young body 10,000 years in the future and proceeds to lead the human race to victory over the alien insect overlords

   it is really satisfying to know, now that my 2 year old is almost done with diapers, I will probably be the next one that needs them...

   Good morning! Looks like you need a shot of wake the fok up!?

   Oatmeal is only good for the first 8 bites...then you start playing with it.

   My arms are so sore from playing Wii, I can't even wank it.

   i realized I was getting old today when I discovered my first grey pubic hair."Dont worry, I wasnt as freeked out as the rest of the people in the elivator", I got over it...

   still mad at my friend for stealing my Hannah Montanna Poster! Grow up!!"

   waiting for the global warming people to push for the abolishment of the two utensil system by legislating the mandantory use of the spork to cut down on green house emmissions...it could happen!

   it seems like alot of people get great comments when they change there relationship status to "Single" so I'm gonna be in a temporary relationship just to let you all know I'm still single?

   Anyone noticed that "studying" is like "student" and "dying" put together?

   Funny how they wanna friends AFTER they stomped, crushed, torched, ripped, backstabbed and oh yeah....broke your heart.

   "Where can I get one of those gold necklaces with the T?" "That's a Cross..." "Across from what?"