Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

   I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, sh!t on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me B!tch." I don't own a hamster.

   just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

   I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great a$$ and a trust fund.

   Mythbuster: Homophones were not invented by Alexander Graham Bell's flowery nephew.

   Few people know this but Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico.

   If at first you don't succeed, mabey sky diving wasn't meant for you.

   I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

   so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

   a paper cut is a trees last revenge =)

   Just watched "fourth kind", I think I need to go to church!

   I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

   would like to remind everyone to Wang Chung tonight.

   Lady luck is a wench. She only shows up when your winning.

   a female friend of mine is taking self defense class - they told her not to yell "Help" when being attacked - you are supposed to yell "Fire". I said, "what if the attacker is holding a gun?"

   "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." George W. Bush

   I Want some Coke so I can have fun 2night at home

   You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.

   If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming...

   doesn't want you to call me lazy until you've walked a couple of steps in my flip-flops.