Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel so bad for people who have $500,000,000. They can only call themselves millionaires, and yet they're still so far away from being billionaires.

   Just once I'd like to attend a formal state function and hear the butler at the top of the stairs announce Lady and Sir Mixalot.

   I'm no a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure "He started it," is a legit defense.

   New York Times reports Neanderthals mated with humans thousands of years before "Jersey Shore."

   Apple Bottom Jeans,Turban With The Fur,Got The Whole Mosque Looking At Her....

   the Pill, something that prevents women from becoming mothers turns 50 on Mother's Day. Coincidence??

   carrying groceries to the house the other night, when Justin Bieber played on my mp3 player. Had to bang my head on the trunk until my earphones fell out.

   Ever look at someone and think, "Nice cage, no bird"?

   going to help support the Greek Debt Crisis by eating more Greek Dressing . . . .and Bakliva

   did it all for the nookie

   The U.N. is trying to outlaw the use of lol since it is the international symbol for a drowning person.

   s it possible to set the Gulf of Mexico on fire and turn it into a giant fish fry?

   if your lookin for Sympathy it is in the dictionary between S*it and Syphilis...

   a 5 yr old who must be alot smarter than me, because I din't know everything until I was a teenager

   Come with me, and you'll be, in a world of pure hallucinations

   (sigh) women

   I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into her again.

   when I die, bury me with all my debts and a cell phone so I can haunt them for a change.

   Don't text and walk at the same time. Trust me, that street lamp is closer than you think..

   My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.