Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back

   Maybe Millennials aren't having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

   Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same

   Friend zoned your wife again

   It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

   White House admits quid pro quo. This is getting a lot interesting now.

   All I need is to hear those 3 special words “Want a sandwich?”

   “Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

   I don't see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

   Fun fact: Bruce Lee does not drink water. Instead, he drinks WATAA!

   A sculptor built a 5280 foot statue of Mick Jagger for his 50th birthday. That's a huge mile Stone.

   The last time I went to see my uncle in hospital the nurse was rubbing vaseline on his back He went down hill very quickly afterwards

   Broke up with my gingerbread girlfriend. She was nice, but she got too kneady.

   Not only is it dangerous you'll look like a complete idiot if you text and drive, as that's how typos happen.

   Co-worker: What's the difference between astronomy & astrology? Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

   "I'm really good in bed" -Ice cream

   So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

   My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

   Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin. Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge? Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

   We are all grown men and women! Let us start acting like it, and stop believing in pathetic conspiracy theories!!!