Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - David Cameron says `Your country needs you` ....... No David , this country needs you to Fu@k Off ! You posh wanker ...

   Call off the search for Waldo. I think this large man on the bus, wearing a red and white striped hat, ate him.

   The first time I got drunk, I threw up in a neighbor's silverware drawer. I just closed it and never looked back.

   Did you know that no two farts are exactly alike? It's true. Farts are sort of like snowflakes in that regard. Little, invisible, smelly, snowflakes.

   "I like" IF EVERYONE stops writing where they "like it" ... thank you!

   A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for some batteries. The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said,"Come this way." The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the batteries!"

   The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were: Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

   Cookie Monster: People ask me what me favorite kind of cookie, but me no can choose! Me equal opportunity eater.

   If you only have one photo on you're Facebook you are either a spammer, or a loser, either way don't request me as a friend.

   how come the nesquik rabbit can drink his milk while the trix rabbit can't eat his food?

   likes it on the floor, next to the bed, so she doesn't forget it it when I kick her out in the morning

   Told a girl free refills with a magic mouth. I guess she never saw that snickers commercial...

   could care less where you leave it - as long as it is on my floor with the rest of your clothes.

   Sometimes you just have to accept you can`t win every battle , no matter how hard you try .. but just because you lost a battle doesn`t mean you can`t win the war.

   doesn't want none unless you got buns hun

   - Advice !! Something we seek as long as it`s an answer we wanted in the first place.... Like you want me to reaffirm your choice !!

   How about instead of doing the 69, we just do the 68. It's where you do me... and I owe you one.

   ...BBC News: 'Cap For Unemployed Families On Benefits' - Burberry by any chance?

   May the mass times acceleration be with you.

   Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do! D Troen