Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw my ex the other day and I'll be straight up honest with ya, YEAH I'd still hit it... with my car.. with my baseball bat.. with my fore arm repeatedly...

   I purposely mess up there, their, and they're just to piss people off.

   Have you seen the remix video of "Black and Yellow" featuring R. Kelly?

   I know you think you're interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.

   If my boss saw how many cool things I post on Facebook in a day, he'd stop saying I'm unproductive.

   Does this Senate Bill 5 have anything to do with a foot long sub?

   You know what's amazing? "how I met your mother"

   Just because you're an adult doesn't mean you can't use "eenie-meenie-miney-moe to help make important life decisions

   ;( Yep, winking AND frowning. Your mind = blown.

   wondering why buy grapes with seeds when the convenience of a seedless grape is right there

   You don't want to look back on your life and say, "I just made it through."

   I just awesomed all over the place.

   going to go out on a limb here...I think there is a very good possibility Gaddafi just might be the one on hallucinogenic drugs...just sayin!

   I hired a brass band to celebrate the birth of my child. I enjoyed it, but I think my wife was a little p1ssed off with the 15 hour drum roll.

   Dear Oil Companies…at least have the common courtesy to offer a reach around when I pump…Fu@k You Very Much…

   I wish Doc would hurry up with that Flux Capacitor so we don't have to pay these ridiculous f&^kin' gas prices!!

   If you are ever wondering who is rapping in a song, just wait 4 more seconds and he'll say his name.

   I'm searching Facebook for people named Hontas, just because I think it would be cool… to poke a Hontas.

   I should have invested money in companies that manufacture Locking Gas Caps

   If I could slow down real life , like the fights scenes on a fighting movie . I would punch people more often .