Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ran home behind the bus today and saved $3.50. Tomorrow I'm going to run behind a cab and save $20

   Took my hubby to the ER last night with one of those four hour erections. All the doctor did was high five him!

   if your reading this your on facebook and have no life

   Take your time, think a lot. Think of everything you've got. For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.

   found out what smoking is good for. Yuppie repellent. I'm now going to invest in a box of cigars.

   Tonight marks the 83rd Consecutive Anniversary of me not watching the Oscars

   Seriously, If You Sent me A Mafia Wars Request again, I'm Gonna have War with You for Real..!!!

   I wonder if James Franco is the first Oscar host to ever host the entire ceremony high as a kite.

   would gladly volunteer his services to hang out with Charlie Sheen at the Post-Oscars party.... You know, to keep him on the straight and narrow...

   dear FB... I assure you, the people you think I may know... not only do I not know... but i'm also pretty sure I wouldn't want to

   Someone needs to do a "Leave Charlie Sheen alone!" video on You Tube like that emo tween did for Brittney.

   A blizzard in January, and a tornado in February. I didn't realize how bi polar mother nature really is.

   Wonder if Ben Affleck and the AFLAC Duck are related?

   Best part of the Oscars was The Good Morning America commercial where Charlie Sheen says "I am on a drug, it's called Charlie Sheen!"

   I told my wife the best way to get motivated to lose weight is to try on the bikini she wants to wear this summer....She told me to shut up and take it off.

   If you only walk in the day, how do you know that the night is bad? And if you walk in the night, how do you know the day is better? It is those who walk in the twilight who truly know the beauty of both. -Jenny Sands

   I was at a constuction site last week where all the contactors were Lesbians. There were no studs and everything was tongue and

   NEW GAMESHOW : I'm more socially functional then a homeschool kid.

   Hallie Berry....call me ;)

   Gotta love the commercials for medications. The side effects of the meds are usually worse than the symptoms. For example, I have an itchy leg. "try dexalog: symptoms may include: hair loss, weight gain, growing an extra head, skin to disintegrate..."