Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im gonn change my fb name to 'Charlie Sheen dis', that way I can say 'Charlie Sheen dislikes your photo' to everyone

   I found Jesus today , he was between the sofa cushions next to the TV remote.

   A BYU basketball player dismissed for premarital sex. I knew mormons were not supposed to have coffee or tea. I had no idea Tang was off limits

   Life's best lessons are learned at the worst times.

   Forrest Gumps license plate says 1forrest1

   Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?

   thought about making a belt out of old watches, but decided it would be a waist of time.

   Can you imagine how terrifying it would be to actually NOT know the difference between your ass from a hole in the ground?

   I'm starting a cult, calling it Sheenism, you pretty much just get drunk and do whatever the hell you want, but you get a free What Would Charlie do Bracelet.

   Has decided to file a lawsuit against Trojan for royalties, my dad keeps telling me I'm the reason they invented condoms.

   The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.

   If I were you, I'd get a red nose and some big shoes and call it a day.

   I don't ever see the cup half full....and by "cup" I mean jock-strap.

   Got pulled over after making a wrong turn at a donut shop... The cop walked up to the window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Without hesitation I responded; "(pointing to the box) Cause you can smell it"

   This year's national billiards tournament in Vegas was cancelled. Charlie Sheen bought up all the eight-balls.

   Your silence is golden because the words you said before are tarnished with lies.

   If only Dave Chappelle was still around to say "I'm Charlie Sheen b*tch. It's a celebration b*tches."

   I think it would be funny to hide in the bushes at a park dressed as a clown and wait til you see someone clearly tired from running and start chasing them as motivation to get their second wind.

   I think its time for me to clean out my kitchen cupboards. While making lunch I found soup that expired 10 years ago and some tin spice containters older than I am.

   Wish my Granny had facebook. Havent chatted with her in a while