Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the world is gonna end, I've got to start spending money faster. Anyone up for a party?

   We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.

   It's a hard thing not to trust the earth beneath your feet.

   heard CNN say that the US is sending the ship SS Ronald Regan to Japan for relief. Christ. I hope it remembers how to get there.

   attn residents of Hawaii. Just a thought but if you were to drop the "Bounty Hunters" wife from a helicopter directly infront of the "sunami" it may soften the blow and even break up the wave pattern. (just trying to help)

   Dear Math, Stop asking us to find your x. She's not coming back. You're so annoying! Now we know why she left you. Sincerely, Students.

   If I ever become epileptic, I'm going to get a tattoo that reads Carpe Diem....for the irony....

   prostitutes have the best job! They SELL their body.... and then they get to keep it!

   The oriental man next door is SO nice!! he just came and asked if he could Wok my dog!! I was like "sure, I'll get the leash" Must have went a long ways, he still hasn't brought my dog back and it's been 3 days....

   I propose we walk everywhere for the rest of our lives. That'll show those evil oil companies!!

   And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!"

   I hope we have a good weekend before the end of the world !!

   NFL fans are forming their own union and are filing a lawsuit against the NFL. The union will be called the NFL-FU (NFL Fan Union)

   FYI West Coast friends: If your just waking up, you might want to put floaties on. Just saying......

   there's no fool like an old fool. But some of you young fools are showing real promise!

   I want those of you living on the West Coast to be extra careful today and make sure to put on your arm floaties before leaving the house. You know how I worry.

   Just clubbed a Chik-Fil-A Cow with my Louisville Slugger and is now planning a rip roarin' BBQ this weekend and you're all invited...you're welcome.

   Firetrucks & ambulances would be far more effective if they were to replace that annoying siren with the song "Move B*tch" by Ludacris

   Wales.... the only country where you can get a delicious hotpot, a smashing jumper and a decent shag... all from the same animal!

   Takeshi's castle is coming back to your screens live from Japan