Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New Life goal, make it to the bottom of my chapstick before  I lose it.

   I tell people to have a great weekend at noon on Mondays hoping they won't talk to me for the rest of the week.

   I need an app on my phone to connect to the morons Bluetooth driving next to me so I can fart in his ear.

   Dear guy who invented taking pictures of yourself in a mirror with a cell phone: Do you see what you've done? I hope you're happy.

   Instead of turning my clock ahead an hour tonight... I'm gonna turn my clock ahead about 6 hours. I will wake up feeling refreshed thinking I slept in late but still will have a full day ahead of me... WINNING!!!!

   Dear current rock music, put up or Shut Up. love, Classic Rock

   wondering if whales believe in karma

   I'm the type of boy who can set the kitchen on fire by just getting a bowl of cereal.

   it's so obvious that Jersey Shore is fake cause we all know 20 something year old Italian boys are still at home sucking off mommy & daddy.

   After everything I've been through.... This can't possibly be "as real as it gets"!

   If time is money, then I'm running out of time very quickly

   I feel like Charlie Sheen...I'm doing lines of code off the <table>

   Nothing says "mentally I'll and loving it" like stuffed animals in your car window.

   If I talk really loud like that I could make you look like a bad guy too

   Time for some night time sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head fever I can't feel my lips I think I just peed the bed medicine.

   watching Jersey shore can cause herpes of the eyes.

   Actually Japan lost lots of lives on 3-11-11. Remember they are a day ahead of us. So no it's not an coincidence. Your not scaring anyone. Go to bed and stop tripping out ;-)

   doesn't know what the problem is... I keep drinking 6-packs but my abs never look any better.

   I may not have the gift to grant your wishes, but until then, I'll make your dreams come true.

   Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.