Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

   BIGAMIST --- A heavy fog in Italy

   There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don't tell people everything you know

   You're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there

   The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

   See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil

   I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

   And how come there's never a garage actually for sale at all those garage sales?

   Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet

   Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

   it just me or does Pink's new hair do make her look like Mo Howard?

   thinks his GPS has dyslexia....I typed in "Macy's" and it took me to the YMCA!

   Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter. Lullabies, dreams and love ever after. A thousand welcomes when anyone comes... That's the Irish for You!

   Happy St. Patrick's Day: May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead. Cheers

   Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!

   What's on my mind? *insert sarcastic third party rant here*

   I have better things to waste my life on then to put up with you, like updating this status!

   be yourself...everyone else is taken

   sometimes, even the smallest apology will make me feel better; but most of the time, I think you're full of SH!T.

   Damn girl your skinny! I rolled blunts fatter then you but you've been passed around more!