Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They never should have made the game life. I was under the misconception that it was as easy as rolling dice, getting awarded a job, and stacking pegs on top of your car.

   Why is President Obama out of the country and on vacation when this Charlie Sheen thing is still playing out?

   In the movie of life, I'd probably be credited as "Bar Guy #3".

   today has been so boring and uneventful, there must be a twist ending in the works. Like one of my co-workers will be revealed as a cyborg, or someone will get eaten by a bear.

   My boss doesn't like it when I play slavery songs at work….

   The awkward moment when your laughing at a joke then you realise its about you

   The Dentist is the only man certified to say to a woman, "Lay down, relax, open wide, say ahh, now spit."

   AT&T and T-Mobile are getting married, There will be no reception.

   We all have a lil devil and an lil angel on our shoulders... Only problem is my lil devil is a hypnotist...

     Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? A: We don't know. Never happens.

   For fun, I like to tase people at renissance fairs, it makes me feel like an evil wizard.

   Sammy Hagar says he was abducted by aliens. I thought he was an alien.

   I'm so awesome that before I was born, my mother had an ultrasound, and they asked for a sequel.

   God's little inside joke..Give a man a heart & feelings that can be crushed in a matter of seconds.

   I'm Not Walking With My Head Down Because I'm Sad, My Head Is Down Because I Want To Be The First Person To Find Whatever You Lose.

   Go to google, type in 'giraffes are' and check out the auto complete suggestions...

   ‎"Hello? George? This is Barack. I need to talk to you about Libya..."

   You decided to show your true colours.....guess I didn't like the painting.

   AT&T should make a commercial with the pink dress girl naked and say, hey tmobile where is your clothes? And the girl can say you bought it right off my back.

   Hahaha AT&T bought out t mobile. After all the hating on tv, they sold out, shows how much better your 4g network is.